The Lasagna Burglar
May 29th, 2008 by --KALEB NATION--
I failed to mention the break-in of my apartment a week or so ago. It was probably the oddest crime I’ve seen before, as the only things taken were boxed, frozen lasagnas and pizzas in my freezer. While taking nearly $80 worth of food, The Lasagna Burglar completely overlooked the stereo on the floor, and also decided to leave behind my frozen salmon and Reese’s ice cream. So if anyone spots a starving Italian who abhors music and hangs around college campuses, please let me know.
The reason I recall this story is because when I returned from my week in Alaska, I came to my door and found a note that said my locks had been changed. After the break-in, the police came and the locks were changed back then, so this is the second time in a week. This meant that the key to my home did not work. Also, it was Memorial Day, which meant the offices were closed, and I had to sit outside my own house for nearly 2 hours waiting for someone to break me in. Obviously, the burglar had an easier time getting in my home than me. The exhaustion brought on by all the flying had me seriously considering a brief career change (<—).
Coincidentally, I discovered the magic way to make these apartment maintenance crews move. In the third call to them, I simply made my voice sound upset, at which point they began recording the line (you know they are doing it when you hear a low beep every five seconds). I then said, in an exhausted tone, that if I am not in my home in ten minutes, I am calling the campus police to break me into the apartment for which I pay rent every month, at the manager’s expense. The crew was there in five minutes to let me in.
This is the sort of thing that happens to us writers and ends up somewhere in a book. Strangely enough, my book is filled with burglars, though I hadn’t previously run into one before — so I suppose I could just think of this as gaining experience in the field.
But somewhere out there, this fellow is still loose, munching away on my food. Beware, all frozen dinner enthusiasts. No freezer is safe whilst The Lasagna Burglar runs free.
Posted in About Me, College, Puzzle My Puzzler Sore, Quick Post
May 29th, 2008 at 12:47 am
[...] guy to get on over there. This was only bitterly humorous, since it came immediately after The Lasagna Burglar got in and raided my freezer. I cry Injustice!: I pay the rent, but he has an easier time getting in my [...]
May 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I think it was those maintenance guys that stole your food. Anyway, with that burglar mask on, you look kind of like Edmund (I don’t know his real name) from Narnia.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Stolen lasagana? It was Garfield. Haven’t you ever heard of a cat burglar?
May 29th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
That’s ridiculous! It’s like one of those stupid criminal stories.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Yes, I agree with Travis- it must’ve been Garfield!
Or maybe not…
Well, at least you still have your stereo.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I had a weird break-in many years ago as well. I was living with my friend in a house and we had to evacuate for a hurricane (gotta love New Orleans…and this was pre-Katrina…like 1998) Anyway, when we came home, our back door had been kicked in. The only thing that had been touched was the fridge. The door was open and there was food everywhere…carrots, hotdog weiners, open cans of soda. We had a nice stereo, tons of movies and CD’s, lots of stuff most burglars would steal in a break-in…all these people wanted was food?
May 30th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Pretty ingenious if you think about it. I mean seriously, who is gonna file a police report over stolen food??
May 30th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
lol
mayb it was soem hungry homeless guy
but y would he leave a nice stereo?
May 31st, 2008 at 3:23 am
When you gotta eat you gotta eat.
May 31st, 2008 at 11:42 am
also, that was the best tasting lasangna of life!
make sure to get some more ill be there to pick it up
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Hah! Funny! Not the part about someone breaking into your house, but the part about them taking the lasanga. I guss he was hungry. I had a teacher how had her car broken into, but the only things the theif took was her CDs, not the money she accedently left in the car (about 80-100 dollars). Strange. Once when I was very little some how I for got to close the car door (I know, how STUPID!) and my mom some how didn’t notice. The next morning I got in so much trouble even though nothing was stollen. Now that I think about it, it was kind of insanely lucky.
Stevie was here
June 7th, 2008 at 1:05 am
[...] the aftermath of The Lasagna Burglar, this has been placed in my [...]
June 8th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
I agree with milliemo maybe it was a homeless guy hmmmmm that reminds me of the cookie monster that kept eating cookies and even stole ooh and that reminds me of this necklace I wanted to buy today at the mall It had a pic of the cookie monster and said me? cookie.
June 9th, 2008 at 2:24 am
To those of you who think it was a hungry homeless guy, i doubt that. If he was homeless why would he take FROZEN food? How many homeless guys have a microwave?
June 9th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
hahahaa seriously i think it was Garfield!he LOVES lasagna(more like any food really)!r u sure u dont have a random cat in ur apartment that even vaigly resembles Garfield!=]lol!
July 9th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
are you sure it wasn’t one of your friends playing a trick on you because that sounds like something my friends and i would do to one of our other friends and then just let them believe that they had been burguled (that does not sound right…burglarized? idk) and just be cracking up behind their back for a while
anyways this story had me cracking up and i really needed that today, thanks lol
September 24th, 2008 at 4:36 am
[...] ‘Twilight Guy’ is hilarious. Between his comments on each chapter he inserts very funny images to illustrate his funny sense of humor. I’ve spent the last two hours reading his comments on [...]
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Last month thieves broke into my teavher’s classroom- they tool two of 7 flashlights, stole remote but not the tv, took 2 waterbottles but not $20 sitting on the desk, and took the monitor but not the computer. WTF?